In my last post I mentioned that I wanted to start November by changing my lifestyle. Personally, I felt like I was going to fail from the day 1. There was so many months in my life when I failed just after 2 days of trying and a new beginning would never come.For whole month I would ”eat” my feelings just because I felt terrible of that I failed after a few days of trying. But this time everything is a little bit different. Now we are living the 11th day in November and I’m proud to announce that I become far more healthier than I was in the last days in October. I changed my diet, started working out & stress less.
I think that one of the biggest mistakes I used to do was that I was to strict to myself and I didn’t ”listened” to my own body. In former times, I would punish myself for such a small things (like eating 1 gummy that my friend gave to me or eating a piece of a cake that my mom made). I used to be so angry at myself that how could I say yes and eat that, but after angry moments would come sorrow that only could be healed by eating E V E R Y T H I N G. And eating everything for a really long time… Also, I didn’t knew how to live with stress so whenever I felt stressed I just tried to ”eat” stress too. Plus, this year I had quite a long lasting exam period that even left me with one bold hair. It’s kinda good that my metabolism is quite fast. By eating I don’t know even how much for more than 6 months my body weight was 69kg ( height- 166cm.). Even, when stressful times was over I would be still eating. It become like my lifestyle. Don’t have anything to do = eat; not in a mood= eat; bored by watching movie alone = eat… For whole summer I ate like a pig, worked out for only 2 times(and we had a treadmill at home). Even my parents saw that I eat a lot, but they had the excuse that when I would start to go to the university I would not have time or mood to cook for myself and would stop eating so much. Like, I lived on my own for 6 years, but that was in my old house, everything was so known to me and now I live in this new city, in small one room apartment. I took a picture of the number that the scales showed the morning when I left my old house, old life. I thought that from now, from September 1st, I would be different person. I would be capable to change everything of myself. I would become ideal me. Well, changes sometimes require a lot of time, hard work and dedication. I’m so used to get everything fast by not putting a lot of effort to it. Sometimes, (it’s sounds funny) I see myself as a small ship that swims as fast as river flows. By don’t adding anything to my ship. Just calmly swimming.
Well, my calm ”swim” was interrupted by my dreams. I felt that the life that I was living is not what I want. To understand this also took a lot of time.Two months to understand and take some action. Two months. I was kinda living in a conflict with myself. My one half wanted to still be lazy and do anything with life, just ”swim” calmly, but my stronger half was full of dreams and energy. Energy to change. And that energy blow up. Now, I have a fully new beginning. My dearest best friend that we lived together and had such a beautiful memories and times together are leaving me, so I have to live by myself in this whole new city. Alone with my thoughts. My friend was like brake that kept me in old life. It’s hard to start do something when all you have around you people that is like your old version and would not let you change, embrace your long kept dreams. New page just opened for me.
The page brings a little bit of stress I will not lie. But I’m trying my best not to cope with this. I’m so used to have my old life (my old friend) by my side that it’s not comfortable and pleasure to go out of my comfort zone, but here we are. Taking little steps at a time to new life.
I was so passionate writing about my old life that I even came a little to the sideways of what I really wanted to write.
Bringing back, my terrible eating habits, clearly I was not the healthiest person you can imagine. My family is really healthy and there was I… But everything can change. I hope so. I think I have a pretty good start now. This sounded so narcissist. From November 1st as I mentioned I started kinda a new lifestyle. Of course, I made a little mistakes, like one day after taking my nap I hadn’t anything to eat so I ate 2 mini kinder country bars. I think, that after this long nap my body really needed some sugar/energy. And there was nothing to cook so…I also went to the restaurant, with my old friend, that I mentioned, it was like to ”celebrate” her leaving (although she is leaving on Saturday aka tomorrow) and I had a glass of wine and burger (and that was so disgusting.. I don’t know that such a disgusting burger can exist) and even if this sound terrible to the person on a diet, I’m happy for that wine glass and chocolate bars, burger I had. I do not feel guilty as I had felt before. No guilt. I think my guilt was gone just because after eating this burger I woke next morning super early and went to the gym before my class and there was no space left for sorrow . I had never done this before and I felt so good. Now, I’m trying my best to cook healthy, working out, stress less and be more positive about the future.
I was the person that used to be so angry and pessimist about the future, like ‘what is the point of that’, but now I can’t wait for tomorrow to come and live my new life the way I want to. And I hope to feel good even a longer period of time. Now I have 11 days when I said bye bye to my old life and started living new one. Hope this journey will be exciting. 🙂