Nowadays, everyone always says how important is to love yourself and blah blah blah. It sometimes drive me insane, when I’m watching some TV show or YouTube video and talk about ”love to yourself” pops up. 99% of the time hearing this topic I would turn off TV or video that I was watching. I’m the person that loves positivity and stuff, but when person is happy 24/7 it drives me craaazyyy. Like, can you take you positivity levels a little bit lower and start think little more realistic like, for now, when so many changes happened in my life, I’m trying my best to be more positive and have ”clear” mind, but without the look at this world with my realistic eyes, I would not be able to reach this state of mind. By meaning this I mean, worrying less,putting so much time for myself, telling no more often and having myself, as a person, without all these studies,lectures, material stuff. Just pure me. I’m still figuring out what kind of person am I, what I truly like, what is my passion/ desire? It looks so easy to ask yourself these questions but believe me, this takes time.
I remember, when I was young teenager I would not eat any vegetables and stuff. My parents are really democratic and they would not force me to eat this if I really don’t want to. I would eat my moms cooked meals ant stuff, but without vegetables and ect. When I had lunch breaks in school I would run to the closest shop and would buy candy, chips…I was really unhealthy. Also, I don’t give a f*ck how I looked or how I felt. Like, I really don’t care. Of course, I had drama in my school life, gossips and stuff, but talking about my appearance,emotions I didn’t care. One time, my mom even accidentally called me ”fat”. Didn’t care about that too. I didn’t give a f*ck about skincare and stuff. Like who need that?! Seriously, by reading this looks like I was little pig.But maybe, I was. Everything started changing without my notice. I think I was around 16, when I made my own ”diet” plan and lost about 8kg. or so. But I wasn’t really happy with it. Like I needed more. I looked at myself as a item, commodity. My lost weight is now back on my with all his force. Now, I’m not doing my own created ”diet” but I’m trying to become healthier with each decision.
The words ”loving yourself” I heard from my mom. Like, as I said, I really used to don’t give a f*ck about (mostly) everything. I remember after loosing these 8kg or something I was eating salad that my mom made and I asked her if she could make salad for tomorrows lunch. She, of course, was surprised that her child is finally eating vegetables and stuff. After short consideration, she told me – like you really started to love yourself. She was smiling. And when I heard that I started laughing. At that time, loving yourself looked so selfish and mockery. Like how you can love yourself?! I always thought that you could only love somebody else, but you can spread love to yourself?! Of course, after having a good laugh at my moms words (now, I feel so bad for laughing ) I asked my mom what her words meant. She told me, like look at yourself, you eat way more healthier, you are taking care of your skin, at the evening time you really think what to dress.. Then, really how much I changed without noticing it myself. But all of my changes was caused by society that was around me. Gossips and drama in school really affected my life. I tried to fit in. Fit in every situation. I lost myself.
I lost myself for a really long time. In school, I dressed the way other wanted me to see, I tried to speak like popular kids in my school did, I even changed my writing to somebody else from my class, I wanted the same things that everyone wanted. I was like everybody. From this faze ”I have to fit in” I only woke up last year. By taking tiny steps I’m trying to go away from it.
These steps are hard to take and sometimes you can go backwards. You have to keep control. Always.
When you become a individual, then you can start loving yourself. You can not love yourself, when you are trying to keep up with everyone. Sorry, but it’s impossible.
When you become a individual, you can do everything that will prove your value. For now, I’m reading psychological books, magazines. Always marking what I don’t understand and trying to realize given information. It sounds so cheesy, but it makes me as a person more ”rich”. Now, I can give myself some much needed time. Put some face mask, take long shower…Doing anything that can help me distress, relax my mind. Figuring out what my values are. Understanding what my sense of style is.. Wearing what I really like/love. Not trying to impress somebody else. Having my priorities right. Trying be more positive. Not judging my actions. Not regretting my mistakes. Trying to be my best version that I can be. Being honest. Most importantly = true to myself.
Nowadays, I believe the ”loving yourself” thing is too banal. You can hear multiple advises on how you can start to love yourself, but without being pure ”you” this is impossible. Stepping out of the same road that everyone goes only then, your eyes are opened ant love to yourself can be found.
I think now, I have to write really banal quote :”how can someone love you when you don’t love yourself”?!