What I felt this week was so wrong…The week before was really stressful because of my exams & I got a flu. The following week I expected to be positive, joyful but in reality I was feeling that every single part in my body was being crushed into small pieces. I felt like I was walking through the street that become more narrow with my every step and it was getting more hard to see where can I place my feet.
For whole week I skipped gym, because of my terrible flu and I was kinda ready to get into swing of things: gym, lectures… I think that this anxiety was bulled up by escaping my emotions. When my friend left me I tried to see only positive aspects in life, tried to keep myself busy 24/7..I just tried not to feel anything only have my mindset of work stuff, studies.. I tried to be like a little robot without feelings that worked, tried to fit into society by keeping his mindset busy with all the things that do not require feelings.
Well, my emotions wanted to be felt so here I go. Waking up on Monday morning feeling super sick, unmotivated. Went to the lectures, back to my apartment, tried to make myself to go to the gym. Tried everything but my mindset and body was telling no. Took an afternoon nap, believed that naps will make everything better,but in this case – no. Woke up feeling sick, stressed for I don’t know what. Didn’t have any desire to make myself proper dinner, haven’t eat anything great threw out the week. Felt supper sick. I was not drinking any tea or coffee because felt like these can make me vomit too. Even to drink water was a task and a risk. Felt like I can cry every single second. Don’t have energy to talk to my parents. Felt isolated from the world..from myself..And felt it for almost the whole week.. The cycle that lasted for almost the week and that left me so desperate and scared of the future.
Like everyone I have tons of plans in my head, but then everything is crushed by anxiety.
Sometimes, it looks like I’m empty. Empty like a box without any stuff inside and only having walls that keeps form. Well, in this case my appearance is trying to keep everything in place.
Probably, my anxiety also shows up because of how hard I’m to myself. I’m judging myself constantly. I never see positive things in myself. Everything is bad in me. My appearance, style, weight, character… I’m always trying to fit in the frames that I have in my mind and do not think that in real life it’s impossible. Plus, I’m the perfectionist who don’t know where requirements has to be stopped.
What makes me more anxious, is even that when I’m alone 24/7 I feel lonely 24/7. This weekend I’m going home and every single student, or majority of them, sees the trip to the home like a special activity to do. Students that has place to comeback is always cheered and waited. They are treated like a queens and kings these few days. Mostly, everyone in my course is so happy on Friday because of going home,to be with their families, relaxing..And in my case, I have nothing that is waiting for me..Even when I should be so happy coming home I feel even more depressed and anxious then ever. Right now, when I’m writing this the tears is coming from my eyes..I’m so dramatic. But this is the topic that is really hard to talk/write about. When, my best friend lived with me we tried to go home together and the 1st time when I left the train I just can’t forget. Her mom picked us from the station she hugged, kissed my friend and almost felt in tears of happiness that her daughter was back. Of course, she hugged me, because she didn’t want to show me how left out I was. When their car stopped in my yard I was kinda happy, because my grandparents knew that I was coming. I come upstairs, unlocked my door and see the house, that used to be my home, as a place that nobody lives any more. When you come to the place you can feel when somebody is living and stuff, but when I unlocked my house door all I felt was coldness and loneliness. My grandma, that had our house keys, do not tried to make this house/place alive. There were dust everywhere, 0 food to eat, nothing…No running water, electricity.. Seeing this, all I saw in my eyes was the moment when my best friend was so cheered up when she stepped out of the train. And here I was. Standing alone in my old house and trying to keep my head up. My grandma decided that everyone else from our family is more important than I, so she decided to ”greet” me right before I went to sleep. She come, talked about 5 min. and left me to feel this loneliness again. I was really happy seeing her, I wanted to share my experiences in uni and stuff, but she didn’t give a f*ck. Had to keep everything to myself once again. Also, it was really late evening, no shops were working then and I had nothing to eat for the whole night and I was starving. So, I tried to feel fullness in my stomach by drinking cups and cups of hot tea. It took me about 4 hours to make my house a little bit suitable to sleep/live for a 2 nights. I was running around cleaning, turning on TVs, electricity, water…+ we do not have internet anymore. Then, before going to sleep my mom called me, asked me how everything is doing back home and stuff and I almost burst into tears while talking to her. Surprisingly, that I was strong enough not to cry that evening. I was so anxious by staying in my old house, so lonely and all I could imagine was how happy my best friends family was that she was home. She sent me pictures and when we were sitting in the car her mom keep talking about how much her dad and sister is happy that she was coming. But here I go….I could not sleep till about 4 am. and I had to woke up at 7 am to drive to the city hall and buy a lab ”dressing-gown”. Woken up after few hours of sleep, drove to the hall, didn’t found any of these lab clothes that I needed and drove back home with sushi and hoped that maybe now,after night, my grandparents, would be a little bit happy about my homecoming. Came home- nothing changed. Spent the day all by myself, alone, lonely in my old house. Felt super anxious and could not wait for next day to come to go back to my apartment in Vilnius. When I had my best friend living with me it was like a joke about me going home. We took it as a joke and it made me feel a little bit better, because the ugly truth was hidden. But now, when I live alone this fact that nobody from my family give a f*ck about me stands out too much. Of course, I’m trying to avoid going home as much as I can, but this is something that sometimes I just have to do, just come “home”. So much shit is happening back there and I have to come home, check everything and sort some things out. That happens, that I come home 1 time per two months or if something serious is happening and I’m needed 1 time per month. By reading this, my coming home seems so frequent, because there is millions of people that has million times harder lives than mine, but comparing myself to my course ”mates” it seems like I do not even meet my family. On top of that, that I feel so anxious this week I also have to put myself into more stressful position. Sometimes, something like panic attacks happens to me. But I’m not really sure how I need to call them. Seriously, mental problems are pain in the ass.
Hoping,that next week I would not be able to meet or live with you, anxiety.I do not have enough energy sources to exist like this. Thanks.