Obviously, everyone has thoughts. But these ideas,abstraction in my head changes so fast. I’m always staying in some kinda of faze for a few days or even weeks. Like, last week, I was 100% in anxiety faze. Tried to get over with it, but it was impossible. It’s a thing that only thing you need and have is time. It’s kinda irritating to not do something or feel the way you do not want and not being capable of the world that is surrounding you. It’s hard to get off with things when every single step depends on time. I’m not that person (and I do not believe that this kind of people exist) when one day you are devastated and then the next morning you are supper happy. To cope with a barrier from devastated to happy takes time. Sometimes a lot of time.
But life changes so quickly. Two weeks ago I was full in studying faze and I can’t remember the last time or maybe this time was the first one, when I studied and learnt so much. My brain was pulsing. For real. In my luck, I passed the exam. Then, last week I skipped so many lectures because I was too anxious. Too anxious for everything. Like now, when the full week passed I can’t remember what I did back then. I had insomnia, I didn’t read anything, eat anything, watch anything…I just did anything and a week full of anxiety passed.
Now, this week I feel very strange. I’m scared of my happy emotions, because I feel like anxiety can strike again. I’m a little bit scared of anxiety. It feels like she is waiting for me right in the corner or somewhere near. This week I’m not ready to go to the gym, not feeling it, but maybe I will use my willpower to change this. This week I feel “double” mix of emotions : happiness and scariness. I can be happy for everything and then I remember bad things, the worst associations comes up in my head. Mentality sometimes is f*ck up.
This week was really strange to me. Like really really strange. Went to the biggest shopping center and spent 50€ on a books! How stupid is that! And the books is not something that I would use in University or something. I bought a novel, then YSL, Dior, Versace biographies, something like a style guide. When, I left 50 € in the book shop I felt big guilt in myself. Why? How? Maybe, for some people 50 € is nothing but for student that gets 150 € to live from for a month these 50 € spent on the books is something terrible. All the way back home I was in some kind of shock. But when I stepped in my apartment, sit down, had a short glimpse at my books and felt happiness. Obviously, I spent a lot of money, but it’s for a good reason. I believe, that the books is some kind of investment for yourself. Like, now, I had to buy a pair of jeans and parka, but I spent my money on books and museums. Clothes, for now, is really bellow, the things that makes my mind more interesting and tempting. When I used to go to the school buying clothes was a dream of mine. I used to spent all my money on clothes..Clothes,clothes & clothes…Now, it’s seems so stupid to spent money on clothes. Like for 50 € I could buy jumper from “Mango” that I would probably wear once a week or something and would threw away one year after, and there I have 5 books for a same amount of money. Information that I get from these books would probably stay in my head for a way longer period of time than this jumper in my closet. For now, I told to myself that I have to work with inner me. My soul, thoughts…It was a really hard year from me. I feel like I had lost myself in certain areas. When you have one friend all your life, you sometimes ignore what you really like, feel and try to be like your friend. To keep ”company”. Well, all my school life I tried to be ”cool”, fit into society, but really I just lost myself. For now, the ”inner” me is the most important. Now it’s my priority. Me, me, me… Sounds so narcissist, but I really need to work on myself.
For all my life I did not had a boyfriend, I don’t know what it feels to be in love with someone. And I really want to feel it. I want to know what feels like to be madly in love, what a hard breakup means..There is so much that I want to ”taste” from this life. But I feel like now, when I’m kinda lost, I just want to keep closed doors and to get to know myself. How can I be in love with someone, when I’m not really sure about my true self, I’m not confident enough and lalalala… Now, I’m working on my head and soul, next stop would be body.
For me, it feels like that the little steps has more meaning than bigger ones. By taking little steps at the time I feel like there is less possibility to take these steps back.
Day after my book shopping I went to the old town, to buy Christmas gifts or just to organize what to buy. I needed a little needles that I could put my fairy lights on or just use them on my motivational board, and once again I went a little bit cray cray in the store. But this time no regrets, guilt. Bought Chanel inspired work book and “Love x Style x Life” by Garance Dore. I saw this book in the magazine,on the train, took a picture of it so when I would go to book shop I would directly now what to buy. Last time, the book shop I was in did not have this book, but in old town store they just get this and I picked it without thinking. And then, once again, I told to myself no more books. Enough. “Aha”.. I already had read one book, started on the next one. I don’t know why, but right now I’m in “book” mode. Like, I love books, but sometimes I’m not in the mood to read them. I was not in the mood for the whole summer, then all autumn, and now I’m just reading books 24/7. I’m even putting my lectures into second place now, but still trying to keep control in my uni life. No worries.
So, right now, I can confirm that I’m into book faze.