I never imagined that I (no shade, but I was one of the smartest people is my school) would admit and feel this way and would openly write that I hate to be university student. I have crossed a line where I don’t care as much as I should. I’m just in don’t give a f*ck mode when I have to do something involved with uni. When, I was in school I didn’t like it at all. I didn’t like my classmates, I was bullied a lot so I didn’t have pleasant experience about that, but when you try to calm yourself down, you excuse other people actions, try to put yourself down and you constantly think that you are not good enough, you are bad, you deserve it and the people that bullies you they just see that and they do some sort of ”help” by telling the truth brutally. Well, later your thinking changes and you starting to feel bad emotions and anger to your haters. You trying to run away from them. You are constantly keeping your head down and looking to the ground, because you feel like if you be this way you will not bring attention & also you are scared to lift your head up and have a look around the world that is surrounding you. Bullies made you scared of life. After that you can have some more changes in your thinking, you are starting to see things more differently than before. You are getting a little bit stronger every day, you are raising your head more and taking a look at your surroundings. Little glimpse.. Not that brave enough to look more. Bullies continues and then you finally are saying bye, bye to school and a really sweet goodbye to ”lovely & nice” classmates. But all your school life you have hope that after that your time to shine will come. Better life will start. Well, let me admit that upcoming changes about better life that helps you to reach some goals, take next turn, take step further and some other actions that leads you to the future is just another thing that your thoughts produced. And it’s really hard to admit. These past months my anxiety levels were super high and it’s really hard thing to live with, but somehow you have to.
When I was accepted to the best university in country, moved to the capital city and had my best friend by my side, life looked amazing. I had that picture in my head that when I finally will start to go to university my life will be way more fuller of happiness and positivity. Like how you can not be happy surrounded by new people, that will study the same thing as you, have kinda the same interests as you and everyone that you will met will be in kinda the same position as you. Everything looked so tempting and cool, but life does not go the way we want to. And I probably made one of the biggest mistakes. I learned them and I’m really sorry about them, but there is nothing I can do about them I just have to move on.
So, when university started I was really separated from everyone in my group, because why you need to make new friendships when you have your best friend by your side? Well, this is my mistake number one. Then my last mistake from my ”university” life is that I was kinda bitchy to everyone and also this happened I thought I was cool because I had someone in this new life chapter. These two mistakes were made and I’m constantly thinking about them. Why and how? As always, I learned my lessons hard way. When my friend left me there was left no possibility for me to start new friendships and stuff. I was already isolated from everyone. But then in my defense everyone made some kind of connections when they were on a student camps in summer time and I was somewhere in Norwegian island. So in my defense I’m not the biggest reason why I’m alone 24/7.
The fact that crashes me the most and makes me feel anxious is that university is nothing like I was dreaming. The only thing that I admire about university and that was only thing from my dreams that is true is that everyone see you as an adult. In school, even when you are in your last grade and you become an adult you are still treated as a child. Maybe some people like to be treated that way but not me. In university you are treated the way you have to be treated. That’s only good aspect I can possibly see. But then I have so much hate for everything else. Firstly, the programs that you start your first year are rubbish. Seriously, you are learning things that you will not need in your career or in your life, the things that you forget when you close the auditory doors. So, why we have to study and learn this? The only question I have is why… I can’t write about other universities but this is the problem in my one. Also, the things we have to learn now is not something like a foundation for the future or something. Is meaningless. Second thing, money is the power in university life. University teachers are promoting books that they wrote and stuff like that and if you want to have that you have to pay, but if you won’t buy it it’s your problem, because you will have the exam from this book..Money cycle everywhere. Thirdly, is how everyone is rude about everything. I now I was kinda bitchy and stuff, but some people looks like is a bit cray cray. Sometimes you can caught yourself thinking : ” where am I, because everyone here is like weird new type of animals that are fighting for themselves when it’s not needed”. I’m not talking about something when you need to be protective, I understand that, but they are fighting for I can’t understand what. Then, maybe the hardest aspect to think about and the one that I thought would be gone from my life forever, is bullies. I’m bullied everyday now. For everything. And sometimes I feel like I’m some kind of exhibition. I can be sitting in the second row and then some really nice girls ( for now I have two girls that constantly is doing this to me) will turn to me and act like they are not looking at me, but I hear that they are talking about me. Not in a good way obviously. But, I think in this area I have kinda thick skin. Of course, this is really painful and not very pleasant thing to go with for 5 days per week, but somehow I manage. The thing that helps me the most to get through these bullies is how I look at myself. I don’t dress inappropriate or something like that, I’m washing my hair, changing my hairstyles, changing my outfits every day, I’m always clean, I’m smelling nice, I am me, so what they see and makes fun of? Also, I want to change my weight, but this is not something that you have to do for others, you have to do it for yourself, of course I would love to have bigger eyes, smaller nose and stuff like that, but I’m not going to take a loan and have multiple plastic surgeries to make myself look gorgeous for others. I am myself and there is nothing I can change about that, so just let them talk their shit about me. And the other thing I also hate is how much study we have. And it’s really boring and hard. Sometimes it looks like university professors sees us like robots or something. They gave us such a big amount of information to learn that maybe even the best information learning robot could not be able to read within the night.
Right now, when I’m writing this post, I feel anxious & I skipped my latin, citology exam. I can go and write those exams next day, but still this fact makes me feel so anxious. The main reason, why I didn’t go is maybe that right now I’m in I don’t give a f*ck mode. And also these exams would be in the big auditory and I’m not ready to see so many people that would look strangely at me. Plus, I didn’t study anything. Seriously, sometimes looks that my mental health is some kind of machine that works periodically. I can be studying 24/7 for some time, but then hello to my studying f*ck mode. I would not give a f*ck about anything. I would not have anything to do some days and I should be studying or something, but instead I would be laying on my bed, thinking about something that has no meaning to me. And yesterday I could not be bothered to study or even read anything that has something to do with my studies. My f*ck mode for now is lasting 2 weeks, but soon I have to be (once again) good student.