I’m not the person that celebrates New Years. And I’m not that kind of person, that is impatiently waiting for the ”new beginning”. Sometimes, for me new beginning means tomorrow, next week, month… But last year I was looking forward to the end. Year had ups and downs as everyone’s and when I read my highlights of 2016 I see that I manage to achieve something, but in reality these achievements do not feel right. I could not name that 2016 was the worst year in my life, because I had worst than that, 2012, took way more from me, my family, but now, last year, was harder for myself as a young human being. Being young adult & learning life lessons, understanding and experiencing everything with new prospective.
I think that the biggest matter of the 2016 was how unmotivated and anxious I was. It was kinda big year for me, so it’s kinda understandable that anxiety was within my every step. I had exams, graduation, driving exams, moving, traveling… Feels like I did not lived, but only existed for whole year. Majority of the things I have done was done without passion, little sparks, seems like I tried to live my life from template. I was not honest even for myself. I ”lived” year just to live.
It’s kinda hard to think about that new year can be a new begging for me. I feel like I can fail or just have the same year as I had before. I’m kinda scared of changes, seems like I can go backwards. I’m really scared. For the last couple of days that we had in 2016 I had planned to do so much, but in reality I did nothing and just stayed in my bed 24/7 anxious and depressed. And I don’t know why. I don’t know the reason why I felt like that. Maybe it’s because I was thinking a lot about the year that I had. About my decisions. Remembering not only the good parts. Remembering and analyzing my mistakes. Felt depressed because I knew that with new year, when all the festive season is over, I had to face new challenges that is not so pleasant, but you just have to do it anyway.
As complicated 2016 was, some lessons will stay with me for a long time. It showed me what true friend is like and that I don’t have one. Some people was with me just because of the circumstances or just because they wanted to use me. I learnt that, people will talk behind your back no matter of your success or failure. Some people will enjoy more than others to see you vulnerable. Some people will make a drama from scratch just because they enjoy it and will involve you in it, because that way they will get more attention. Sometimes being quiet means victory. Don’t trust new people, they can destroy you. Earning someones respect is a long time taking thing, but you can crash this in the few seconds. People will leave you and that’s ok. Don’t implore them to stay with you, what happened is past and don’t make yourself a full. New people, if needed, will come and stay in your life forever. To appreciate things you have to see harsh prospective. Understanding takes time. Family comes first. Always. Health is wealth.