Year started not as planed. As always…More days I live, more I see that the words about your plans and that someone above is laughing from us is true. As majority of people, I thought that new year will be more positive and stuff like that, but in reality I feel depressed. Seems like anxiety&depression don’t want to leave me. I was more than ready for some kind of ”fresh” start, but seems that this start has to wait. And I’m hoping that waiting won’t be long.
It kills inside when you plan your next day, but when you actually wake up, everything around you is crashed. Well, it feels like it.
My expectations of 2017 start, or at least January, was crashed into small pieces, but I’m trying to have a hope, or ”positive” mind that this month is not over and maybe the end will be better. Well, the first days of January proved me, that to change your habits takes a lot of time & it’s really easy to fail.
I’m feeling, once again, not good psychologically&physically. Right after coming back, I feel all this anxiety in me, plus having the month full of exams is not helping to calm myself down. I’m having insomnia, that drives me crazy, I’m having panic attacks while studying, because I see that I don’t have enough time to study, I got a flu, I’m not cooking or something, don’t have energy for that, but also eating like crap, my skin broke out really badly, I was even in tears while studying for my latin exam. Not a good start I could say. Felt so ready, but I have to wait once again..
It even gives me more anxiety to think that only thing that I could do is to wait for time to pass, because things gets better with time. And these kind of thoughts sometimes drive me more insane, because I want to live my life as fully as possible, without anxiety, panic attacks, but also I’m remembering the things and ideas I wished for myself to achieve in this year that I had already failed so hard. Is nothing more upsetting than disappoint yourself, feels like the world around you is laughing from you, and you are stopped & freezed in time. I’m trying to appreciate every day what I have and how blessed I am, but there is black psychological clouds around my thoughts constantly. Even to look at myself is heartbreaking, because I had that image at this exact time I would have clear skin, body that is not looking good, but is making slow progress or something, but now even to look at myself is hurtful, because all I can see is failure and trying to not be so hard on myself is not helping at all.
Even yesterday, while having insomnia something strange happened. Turning point maybe. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be ”famous” on social media and stuff. By writing famous I don’t mean thousands of likes or something, but I just wanted to have social media that would be perfect and nice to look at. Well, I have to admit that I have kinda special relationship with Instagram. Back in the day, I used to post a picture per day ant stuff like that, but with the time especially this social media site has changed in my eyes. I got threw stages in this app. Firstly, I was posting constantly any picture that I would take that day, from selfie to my slippers and stuff like that, after this stage I become ”artist” and was posting my ”artsy” pictures with no meaning, said bye bye for selfies, but then – white frame stage (I don’t know how to explain it correctly, but I was not posting square photos), later – bragging on social media and posting so much of my life, after this I wanted to be more like other social media gurus and tried to fit myself in boarders that did not existed. Then, I started to post pictures I liked that was not so cliche in my eyes or something, but I can’t lie, likes was a thing for me. I used to be in hunt for perfect Instagram account and try to think what theme I can make and stuff like that. I think that I just really wanted to have a social media account that someone would be jealous of. And honestly, I don’t know why I felt that way. At first social media was full of fun for me and share my life was such a pleasant hobby. And I was not keeping so much to myself, I was sharing&bragging a lot..But this Christmas me and my parents made an experiment, that probably showed me the truth and changed my opinion on certain things. On Christmas day my mom was speaking to her best friend, that has a teenager daughter, that is striving to get famous really hard and also is really jealous and her logic is something like that: if you have this = I need to have it too; but also, my moms friend is also a little bit jealous and she tries to make joke or fun of my family if we buy something expensive and stuff, like ”you don’t have were to throw your money” and stuff like that. And this type of jokes, jealousy can be really annoying. Well, on the Christmas day, when my mom talked to her bff, she did not answered directly to her question what we get, because my mom did not wanted to be teased. But then, my parents was like, why don’t you post on your Snapchat story a picture of your presents and see if the famous seeking teenager, that had already uploaded every single snap about her presents, will see that post. So I posted a picture on my snapchat story for a few seconds and right after posting it, the famous seeking person saw that, and right after that I deleted it, because it’s not my thing to brag anymore. And after my story was up for maybe 5min and seen by this teenager and then deleted, my mom got messages from her bff about my presents…Like why you splurged so much money on her, why you bought her this and that… And this showed me that I want to be as private as possible. I don’t want that people will get to know me threw social media accounts like Instagram, Snapchat I don’t want them to know how my life is going and to talk shit behind my back. Also, it’s funny because you can upload the most gorgeous picture and the person that has some kind of position in my life would love that, but then by seeing that I don’t get many likes, the person that liked it would change his opinion on the matter of likes and would start to bash my photo, because it did not get ”enough” likes. But then when I think about the meaning of social media that is to share your life. That is a quite a tricky part in my eyes. Maybe I’m not “feeling” instagram and stuff because I do not feel psychologically well and I’m programming my brain to it, or maybe i’m ashamed of myself and don’t know what I need to post when I had so many bad experiences in that area. For now I want to share my thoughts,life by writing them down on the internet “diary” that I could open whenever I want and only thing that acquired is to have internet connection. But here we go, having insomnia and deleting my instagram pictures. From 60 something now I was left with 17, but after a few days, when writing this post, I deleted some pictures once again, left with 5 now and thinking just to delete my instagram account in general. Ironic part of all this ”delete” process, that it actually hurt a little bit, because every post had some meaning to it, story behind it. Right now I’m in faze to make myself “gone” in social media like Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat. Maybe it’s my break and revival before huge comeback. Like I really want to show off, make some kind of revenge to (not in showing off, bragging way) some people that hurt me in some way in my life and I can easily do that by posting pictures of my life, but I don’t know, maybe I need more time to take these steps. Maybe I need to become really confident in my own skin and when I would post anything I would have these armor that would protect me from my emotions.