TO WEAK, UNMOTIVATED ME

For all my life I had struggles. Had struggles to be confident in my own skin. Had struggles to love myself. Struggles, that seems was in my every step. I tried to changed for so many times that I could not be even able to count. I always tried to turn next page the next morning and start new chapter but that did not happened. I think that maybe I just was not ready for that change. Every change needs time and clear mindset and sometimes to reach that mindset you have to experience a lot of failure. Now, I will look like I’m in the gray mass with majority of the people, because I choose to become healthier/ stronger/ thinner as my new years ”resolution”. It’s so boring&stupid, but that’s reality.

In 2016 I tried for a several times to become healthier and stronger, but I failed. I failed a lot. One of the biggest mistakes I have made was that I was comparing my body to the high fashion models and stuff. I was some kind of slave of other peoples bodies and was striving to achieve that. Not eating or eating very little amount of something that could not be even named food. After this starvation mode my body was not capable of that and I would start to eat as a beast. After eating feast I would then eat my feelings because I failed. And that would be on and off cycle. The cycle that had the same beginning and not a great finale.

From mid November I gave myself a break. A break from everything. I did not go to the gym, did not think about how my body looked, did not eat healthy or something, tried not to feel guilty after all junk food… I just was in some kind ”I don’t give a f*ck mode”. I was thinking a lot, but about other stuff than I used to think before. I was in the search mode. I watched/read/researched so many articles, videos, information, stories and stuff about healthier lifestyle and stuff. I was not giving myself a direct timing from when I have to do this or that, from when I should start my diet or something, I just was learning a lot, about things that I was struggling. At that time, all the new information I took as something everyone go through. I was not thinking or judging myself by my past actions. I was just learning. Maybe my learning process was a little bit short, but it seems to me that I know what I need and it’s time to achieve something and do something about myself. It’s time to move my ass.

Now I understand that my body will never look like supermodels or someone’s that is famous on Instagram or something. I may have different body shape then them, but even if I can not achieve forms/curves like they have I can achieve something that I would be proud & happy of. I want to become comfortable and confident in my own skin. I want to wear clothes that I like and not think how fat I look. I want to wear a bikini without anyone looking at me strangely. I don’t want to give everyone opportunity to say or whisper that my mom has way more beautiful body and ”what her daughter thinks about herself”. I want to be more active, climb the same mountains without going out off breath and being the last from my family to reach our final destination. I want to travel more without feeling insecure about my weight & feeling anxiety inspired by my health. I want to shut up my classmates mouths and I want them to remember how they called me by looking at my pictures with my ”transformed” look, weight that they were making fun of. I want to show my new group ”mates” especially these fame seeking girls that maybe laughing about me in my face was not a good idea. Maybe it was not a good idea even to trying to separate me from my best friend, because I was not good looking. Sorry, girls that I was not showing off my body, I was not ready, but maybe, after some time I will be. And then, don’t try to be my friend, because I remember more than you think. I want to change opinions/stereotypes about myself that I receive from my extended family or my moms friends that thinks that I’m not capable to love myself, look good, be healthy, because I’m studying a lot. I want to prove that they are wrong. I want to show my cousins that I can not only be fat kid, but also I can achieve some changes for myself. I want to show everyone that my health matters to me. I want that everyone that is in my life (or was in my life) would see that I can change and that’s so wrong to label me, my actions and always see me as a person I used to be.

I want to change my lifestyle. Become someone that I though I could never be. I want to be the best version of myself. I know that changes takes time, but for now all I’m wishing for is endless motivation within my every lifestyle changing step.

R.V.E.

 

 

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