A 2016 was quite challenging year for me. A lot of good stuff happened, a lot of bad stuff happened, a lot of lessons were learnt. I used to have a motto ”friends over family” and maybe that phrase was inspired by my teenagers years or the relationship that my mom had with her brother. I am the only child, from 12 years old lived with my grandmother, so I never saw”link” in family. Family had no meaning in my eyes back then. I didn’t see family as support, help aspect in life and never imagined that this understanding about can change.But more you live, more you learn.
When my parents left me to live with my grandmother I was not angry or something, I don’t have any emotions about that situation and was not upset about that. I saw that as a thing that had to happen and that’s all. At that time I had about 3 or 4 friends, that I trusted and saw them as my ”family”. Maybe it was replacement of my real family. But being a moody teenager your manners changes really fast and you can change your environment really fast. Well, after some time I totally ”moved” away from them and find new friends. Friends that I thought were even better than I had. Well, this group of friends were not so great that I thought like. Once in a while, this group of people would do ”cleaning” and would brutally cut one friend of our friendship ”circle”. But I never left, even when I saw that the relationship with these people was not right, I did not left. I was scared. It seemed to me that, if I left them I would be alone forever. Well, in the end of the year when it was time to graduate, become proper adult, in our friendship ”circle” were only 2 people left. Me and my best friend. And that friendship for me was everything. Totally everything.
I’m not really sociable person at all, I’m really shy and strange in some kinda weird way, so to have a best friend was my everything. It was so great to plan trips and everything, when you can actually invite someone to join you, in this case my bff. And interesting fact, that now when I think about myself and her, I see that we are total opposites, but at that time maybe our differences were our connections. At that time, felt really blessed to have a best friend by my side when I moved to the new city, started to go to university and stuff like that. Felt like I don’t need family, like why you have to have family, when you have one friend that is by your side within your every single step. Well, things happens, people changes and stuff like that, so after studying for 2 months she decided that it’s not for her and dropped everything. Left me alone with all these plans and everything in general. But her moving out part showed me what kind of friend she. And that she is not my friend.
Imagine being alone all by yourself in the new city, surrounded by not so great people. It’s hurtful experience. Experience that showed me so many aspects. In these 2 months I saw what my friend is really like and that she is not that person that I thought she was. It become quite obvious that I can not have that person in my life any more. It was not healthy and good for myself as a human being. She is too negative, judgmental to be in my life. The last few weeks while she was lying on her bed by doing nothing were some of the psychologically hardest times in my life. I was counting the days till her moving day, because everything was getting unbearable. The fact, that I was waiting for her to block me on every single account or media path shows what kind of person she is. Surprisingly, she did not block me.
I’m not that person that constantly asks for help,I’m quite stubborn to beg/request, but after her moving out, one time I really needed her help. I was coming back home with 2 full suitcases and as always I had no one to pick me up for train station. So I asked my ”bff’ if she had some plans and maybe she can help me and pick me up from train station. At first she started to pull out all these lies that I recognized, because her dad told me what they were up to that week and everything. When, I dropped hint that I know that she is lying, she asked me to wait. I had 4 or 5 days till my short comeback so I was just simply planning some things in the future. Well, the next day she texted me that ”no I can not pick you up for train station. Do it yourself. Bye.” Well, I understand that people are busy, have their schedules and stuff, but I know what she was doing. She lives about 18km away from train station, she has driver license,car, when I was asking her for help, I even told her to pay for her car fuel and stuff like that, because it would be cheaper than going back with taxi. Well, she did not picked me up from that station, because you know, she had some more interesting plans- lay in her bed all day and that’s all. So, in freezing cold, with sore muscles from caring my suitcases and kinda tricky trip with 3 buses I reached my destination. I even did not get a text if I want to hang out or something. Nothing. It was the first time in my life when I ask her this kind of help,like in younger days what I would ask her is to give me her homework to ”copy” or such a small school related things, and now it was a time when I asked for ”adult” favor and did not get anything.
Now, when we have our lives separately I ”cancelled” our friendship. We changed so much in these 2 or 3 months that I could never imagine to happen. When I look threw messages that she texts me I always find myself questioning how could I had friendship with this person? How that was possible?! Even now, I found myself in these boards when I just want her totally delete her from my life. I don’t have an ”active” friendship with her, so why I have so see her social media and stuff if I don’t want to? But I’m not that brave to take these steps, it feels really strange to ”threw her out” of my life in this way. Looks, like I’m deleting all these memories what we had together. All great&bad times.
Well, this friendship ”accident” showed me that I do not have friends right now and that family=everything. When, my best friend left me in the apartment all alone, I was left without some things. I do not mean super personal and expensive stuff, but with some small everyday life ”essentials”. And I live in side of the city, so to reach Ikea or something like that would take me some time, 2 buses and stuff like that. Also, it was kinda scary even to think about all the purchases and how heavy they would be if I would have to carry them from stores till my apartment. Plus, I was broke. So, lived my life really simply and cheaply, but my parents, when heard the news that I’m living alone drop everything and flew to visit and help me for a few days. I can not express how much their short visit mean to me. It showed me that family is my rock, my everything.
My parents is my only family. The most wonderful, caring and loving people I know, that can drop everything and come to be with me when I need them the most. Last year I really experienced how important for me is my family support. I’m not trying to ”run” away from them any more, but now, appreciating every single talk, message. There would not be a single person, friend in my life that could replace family.