Right now, I’m really in the grey mass of people. Majority of this earth, decided and told to themselves that this year is the year to become healthy, fit and strong. Well, I will be really boring now, but in this case I’m not really original and I have the same goal as majority. But I’m a little bit different in this scenario, because I did not told myself from what direct day I have to change my eating, health habits. I let this to happen ”naturally”.

In the beginning of New Year I decided to start everything from the 1st day of January, but then the circumstances was not on my side. I had anxiety, several panic attacks, so taking the begging of January into account, I had kinda stressful start.  I was not ready to restrict myself in any other way, when I did not feel psychologically and emotionally well, so once again I let myself to ”eat” my feelings. Eat my feelings without thinking.  And now thinking about this, I’m not judging myself for making this decision and letting to feel myself as a little emotional ”piggy”, because in that place and time,in my eyes, this was the right thing to do.

On last Saturday I went to the store to buy all my favorite junk food. Or the junk food I used to love back in the day, but now, don’t eat as much. I let myself to throw a lot of things in my basket. In my plans, I had in mind that I would eat that for 2 days and everything will be gone. In the reality, I was sick of this, kinda cheat day by the ending of the 1st day. But I kept going ”strong” because my anxiety levels were super high that weekend. Well, on Monday I had my exam, back home, ate one of my favorite meals-sushi and then something in my head just clicked. Right after I finished my sushi I spent some time in silence with my thoughts and then lift my ass off the sofa and threw away all the junk food that was left. Everything happened quite late at night. Ironically that was Monday evening, the day, where majority of people decides to open ”new page”. Well, I opened or began to open in too, on Monday evening.

From 10th of January,Tuesday, my ”journey” started. For a first time in a long period of time I made myself breakfast. I was not hungry or ready to eat them, but I convinced myself to do that. I think my body is just not used to eat breakfast so it is hard for myself to put something in my stomach when signals are negative. Then I had lunch and surprisingly- dinner. In my family, we always have big lunches and stuff, so on the dinner time we are not eating or we just having some snacks, so having a proper dinner for me was a thing. Did not felt any cravings or anything, so this day went without any big struggles.

On the 2nd day I had an early morning, because for the first time I was going to the city laundry, that took me more than 1 hour to get, so once again, I was not ready for breakfast, but I force myself, because there was a long day ahead of me. So I ate breakfast, went to the laundry, had everything sorted out, back home and just preheated the same lunch/meal I had made the day before. Had a little dinner once again and I felt great in the evening! I felt so ”light” and it was kinda strange to not have stomach ache or the thoughts that maybe I have to put some medicine by my bed, if I would wake up and would have this feeling of puking and stuff. So I was really pleased by this day, felt really ”light” and healthy.

The 3rd day was the same as the 2nd. Did not have any cravings, was pleased with everything, but 4th day was a struggle. I don’t know if my body is programmed or something, but I was struggling for quite some time. I used to have Friday fiesta, when my day at university would be over, I would go to local shop and by something to treat myself. Cola, chips, chocolate…So, when I was back home after my exam I was sitting on my bed and has this little war in my head, go to the store and cheat or not. Surprisingly, better side won and I stayed healthier this Friday than any other Fridays in the past. Spent my day at my apartment, once again had, in my eyes, healthy lunch and  little dinner. Felt like I conquer the world, plus because I was on my period, so some cravings were real. And I did not failed.

On the 5th day I finally made my appearance to the gym after two months! I was planning to go the gym sooner that week, but I was on my period and working out while bleeding is really not for me. I just can’t deal with it. I tried to go there when I just bought the membership to the gym, but period+gym= not good. I just can’t do that. So, when my period was officially over I hit the gym. I was kinda upset that there was so many people in there. The gym opens on 9am on the weekends and I was there like 9:50am and it was packed. I had plans like to go on the treadmill, but my favorite ones was occupied so I was cycling for 30min. then did some leg workout. I would love to have a personal trainer or something that would tell me everything, but it is freaking expensive in this club or even in my whole country. I’m trying to do what I had read in the books and stuff by adjust all the information I have in my brain in my way, but it can be a little bit tricky. It will be amazing if someone qualified would recommend me what to eat and what exercises to do, but for now I’m judge and controller of everything. I’m hoping that what I’m doing now is working. I ”hit” the gym without any food in my stomach, because I can feel really dizzy if I have breakfast and then working out.  While I was in the gym, I take some drastic step in my eyes. There is always electronic scales and seems like everyone always check themselves while they are working out, but scales, in my eyes is really scary equipment. And particularly these scales become ”frozen” after you step off them. Your weight is in the monitor till someone other weight themselves. So, if you see direct person on the stepping on the scales, if you are interested and noisy, you can go and check how much they weight if no one other had stepped on them.  This gym scales was super scary thing in my eyes. Scales in general, when you are not confident in your skin, is scary. From the September, when I bought membership I never checked my weight. I know, that is also not such a great thing to do, because when you are changing your eating habits and working out, it is more clever to measure yourself than belong on the number of the scales. But while I was working out, I did something I had never thought I would do, especially now. I stepped on the scales. And it was not that scary or hard as I imagined. I think, right now I’m into don’t give a f*ck mode. I’m trying to work on myself and don’t give a f*ck about other people opinions or looks about me, that I receive. I’m the judge from myself, they don’t know my life, my struggles, so what they weird looks means to me?  When I stepped on the scales I felt mixed feelings about the number. 65,9kg. On the one side, I was kinda happy, because I have about 10kg to loose, but then on the other side, I thought that this number will be a little bit different and has minus 2 or 3 kg from what I see. Well, for now, I’m saying bye, bye to the scales, because I don’t want to become addicted to see what number I can see, I believe that this addiction can lead me not into great direction. Also, in the morning, before leaving my place, I took some pictures of my body, to see, if needed, my progress and stuff. I think it would be funny and embarrassing to look at, even the week later.  Will see how this goes. When, I finally was back home after not so long workout, it only lasted about 50min. because I was not feeling it, when there was so many people, I was starving. For the first time in this week I couldn’t wait for breakfast. I boiled 2 eggs that I had with a little bit of mayo. I can not imagine to eat an egg without mayo. And I know that this is not healthy, but I let myself this ”treat”, because you know..Then I had lunch and dinner, as always. But was surprised me that this day I was so hungry all the time. I was snacking a lot. Tried to keep this healthy, but it can be so tricky. Plus, it is really great that you can’t found any more unhealthy foods. No sweets, chips, sodas and stuff are not in my place anymore. So it is a little bit easier to choose snacks and stuff, but still it can be hard to pick up what to eat.

The 6th day was really boring. Had a lot of studying before my exam, plus food I was eating that day was precooked the day before. Also, I was trying something different for breakfast and had overnight oats. It was my third attempt to make them and I made a conclusion that this is not for me. It was disgusting… I don’t know, but oats is something that have to be fully cooked for me and eaten when is warm not cold and stuff. I think it was my last attempt to make this ”overnight” breakfast, because I tried 3 different recipes and every single one was a disaster.  So, instead of this disaster I had to make myself other breakfast and for the 2nd time this week I was hungry in the morning time. So I ate a 3 healthy, organic ”sandwiches” that had only small amount of cheese and crispy, organic rye bread. It was quite filling. Other than that, my meals were only preheated and that’s all. No cravings, nothing. Easy, but super boring studying day.

The 7th day was kinda easy as well. Had a craving for something sweet in the morning, but I’ve made myself some porridge with natural sweeteners so this craving was not long at all. Then I had a big lunch and a few snacks later on. So, first week- officially done. 🙂

One of the biggest changes that I’ve made, was my sleeping schedule. I was going to bed at 10pm and waking up at 7 or 8am. It is kinda strange thing to do, because I’m an evening person and I usually go to bed at 2am or something like that, but now I’m trying to change it. I read in some book ,that I can’t remember correctly, that by going to bed early, ideal 9 or 10pm you really help your body to rest and do his functions. I believe that at this time your body hormones are working in they full force so it’s important that you would be in ”relax” or even sleep mode. It also helps to clean your skin and stuff, so yes to early bed time. I don’t know for how long this is going to last, but I’m really enjoying it.

The other strange thing that has happened, was that I actually, after 1 or even 2 years break, started to read book ”Eat.Move.Sleep.” by Tom Rath. When I bought it and was trying to read it I was not ”feeling” it. Seemed like every single sentence does not make sense and everything is so unnecessary. I was reading this book really slowly, marking the phrases and information that was interesting and important in my eyes, but then I stopped. I stopped because, I was in this position, that if I want to read a book I have to rally enjoy it and I was not enjoying this one, so I stopped. I was not reading it for quite some time, but one evening, when I decided to have some pamper time, I just picked this book. Had a look threw the pages I had read and decided to continue my reading. And I’m so surprised that right now, I’m really enjoying this book and I’m sinking in every single word. I think that, when I started to read this I was not ready and I just couldn’t relate, but right now, when I’m trying to change my lifestyle and having all these struggles that is written in this book, right now is really helping to keep my mindset clear for all the temptation.





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