THOUGHTS | JANUARY | PART 2 |

I’m kinda lost in the world right now just of the things that ended 2016. It was hard to keep up with things that were happening around me.

On Christmas eve a disaster happened that touched so many of my relatives, including me. My cousin, that we were keeping some kind of connection, had a accident. The accident that put her in death&life situation. The time I heard the news I was at my parents house, upstairs, in my room, wrapping Christmas gifts by watching Harry Potter, but then my mom came and said that something is happening, because my grandparents, while we were gone, were calling to every single phone we have, except mines. And that is not a good sign. Moment where I was in such a good, festive mood finished in shock by the news. I knew that she would survive and would not leave use, but this is heartbreaking. For the rest of Christmas eve&Christmas day my family did not touched that topic, I think we were scared of the news, that could not be so pleasant, but just after Christmas day, I saw that my cousin was active on Facebook and I wrote her message as fast as I possibly could. It’s such a hard think to process, that the person you have a connection with, the same person that you were planning sleepover and stuff like that, can be taken so soon out of your life. It just shows me, that we can not take anything for granted. Also, it’s heartbreaking, because this young women already had not so easy life. Plus, she had to graduate this year, pass her driving exams, move, live, travel, go to university and stuff like that and now everything is stopped for her. There is a lot of complications for her, a lot of things are not known about body tissues, body parts that was affected and now she is living in constant pain&depression. All answers that she will get will take time and for now she has to live in obscurity. Her mom asked me to call her, help her to speak her mind out, but I just can’t. We had to meet in November, but that did not happened, because I was quite busy that time and what we had till this day was just messages threw social media and stuff like that. I think that in this case, the best thing I can possibly do, is just go to the hospital and speak with her in real life, but the struggle is, that the hospital is about 100km away from me in the city that I do not know + I have an exam session, but most importantly, I’m scared. I had cases in my family, when someone that is close to me, was in the hospital, but I was a teenager, that no one looked serious at, so I had never go threw experience like this. I’m scared to start crying when I see her, or stupidly, just be scared of the person, that she become, how she looks after this accident. Also, it’s a little bit complicated, when I try to look at myself from hers perspective. She always says, that my life, in her eyes is perfect. Like I achieved, own everything she wants. So, maybe for me stepping in her ward would make her more depressed, because she would see me, as a life she could have, that now is brutally stopped. I’m thinking about different scenarios in my head, about the things, stories that I could tell her, but then, I don’t know anything. I don’t know what to do. I want to call her, but then, I don’t know what to ask. In this case, I have no answer to.

Plus, the other family drama taken another step. Stupid step. My other cousin, that I had already wrote before, has made some stupid decision. One day, after his long day of work, he come home and found his house empty. His fiance left him with 2 year old boy. She was living not far away and was real drama queen in really complicated way. She left him, because she wants more from life, she need more money, newest car and other materialistic stuff, but by leaving him quietly she made a big fuss. She called my cousins parents, was speaking total shit about my him, was lying to her own mother and sister. It was kinda shock for everyone that she left him, because we knew, saw majority of their life that seemed nice and happy. I will not be mad at her by leaving my cousin, she takes actions she wants, that’s her life, and with time passing I programmed myself to not have an opinion about her. But she was extra shady. She was calling to my godmother, my cousins mom, and telling her how she can not look at hers son face, she never really loved him, how stupid he is and stuff like that. Like she was not holding back anything. My cousin was really lost in life after this divorce drama. He spoke to my mom, his mom about her, how hard is for him now and how ashamed he feel in front of everyone that he was left alone with the child. But in the moment there was so much drama happening that his ex fiance made up, drama that was too much. My cousin from all the stress become physically sick. But then, she decided that she wanted to be with her child for a while and flew to visit her sister for holidays and my cousin flew to his home country, to visit his parents. I thought that maybe the drama is over, like my cousin was in the search for a new apartment, because to live in the big house for him & toddler was not so smart and cheap, he was planning his life, but deeply inside I thought what if he become her slave and would beg her to come back. And that happened. On the new years eve his fiance uploaded a picture of them and some words about New Years. Relationship between these two is not over. I understand that maybe their ”comeback” is good, because they have a child and stuff like that, but she insulted him, treated him as ” no one”, talked shit about him, broke his heart, and here we go, once again. I also feel like she will be playing with him, like leaving him, coming back together with him, again leaving him…It can become cycle were she would be player with him. I don’t know this all situation seems so miserable to me. I feel mad on both of them, like how could he forget everything and how she can live again with him and act like nothing happen. I just don’t understand. I don’t want to judge them, they live the life they wants to, but it’s just so upsetting. Also, another thing that I don’t like is how everyone in my family has ”masks” on. Like, everyone was not happy about their situation, judged his decision behind his back and stuff like that, but in Facebook when she posted the picture on New Years eve with the words, everyone from my family acted like nothing happened. Like commented, liked the picture and all that jazz, when in reality they were calling to each other to gossip about that picture and how they don’t like that, so there is me, with the question why did you liked that, commented and stuff like that if your opinion is different?! Why people has these masks on and live double lives by trying to please others? Like I saw the picture, was in shock and a little bit disappointed, but I did not commented, liked or something like that. I even was thinking to delete her from my social media, because if her content is really worth my time to look at. Who knows, maybe she will be deleted/blocked really soon, because I’m not her to play in front of her and act that nothing happened and I forgot her actions. I remember everything. The opinion I had about her before is forgotten and I live in present, without faking it my emotions towards her or trying to please her. What happened did happened.

R.V.E.

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