Happy tears can easily become tears provided from sadness.
On the middle of January I get an email for the first time in my life that was offering collaboration. I can not even write it here, how happy I was. I was dancing in my small apartment for about 1 hours or so, my hands was shaking even to type the text back and I was on the cloud 9. I see this blog, platform, like of the diary of mine that is up online. When I write these thoughts, I never think if someone is going to read them, if someone will going to love it and stuff like that. I would be really narcissist, but honest- I want to have this blog all about myself. I want to write how my day went, what thoughts I have, what I love….I don’t look at this a platform to make myself rich or something, it’s just my passion. When I don’t feel like I want to do this anymore I will delete it without big heartache. I lived long enough, to understand that there is no point to try to make yourself do something or fit in some frames that someone else draw, put for you. I can control these decisions, I can control want I want in this page, so I’m capable of every single mistake, movement that I’ve made. I have seen that there is multiple bloggers, vloggers out there that are seeking money, collaborations. And that’s okay, they do what they want and I’m all for this. Everyone do what is smartest and best decision for them so every decision has meaning to that person. Coming back to this blog and me, I get my first ever collaboration message and I was in shock that was provided from happiness. Never in my life I had a thought that this would happened. Never. That someone that read my thoughts would find me, like me and ask for me to work together. This is something else. I read the letter we had a chat and I said yes. I said yes because I didn’t realize how much impact is needed in the future. I will dedicate so much of my ideas, thoughts in this blog, but when things is involved with money and stuff I’m out. I’m university student, really broke, planning my every single purchase with my all cents in my purse. I feel guilt that I can’t have a job, because of university schedule, I don’t like that my parents is sending me money for a living. I can live my life really easily, but the guilt in me is really strong. At first, this collaboration was free in my eyes, but then turned out that I needed to pay, to get this done. And when I see the amount I write that I cancel everything suddenly, but then I get another email that says other price and stuff and I jumped on the bandwagon. With aching heart I paid money, but then the guilt started to kill me inside. I couldn’t handle it. I had to cancelled everything and write a letter once again and say that I’m cancelling collaboration for the second and last time.
Right now, I’m on the verge to have anxiety or even worse- panic attacks. I really wanted it to happen, I wanted to have this opportunity and have this change, but some other circumstances was not on my side. Whole day, when I was making payments and organizing all this stuff I was in full on anxiety mode. I don’t know, but it seems like my credit card info, personal info can be hacked and I can get ”burned” really easily. Now, it feels like someone inside of me is eating my brain, good feelings ideas and leaving only the bad stuff in it. I’m stressing out, because I probably looked really unprofessional, stupid and stuff or maybe even better, what if this was opportunity that I was given only once in a lifetime. And I f*cked it up. It just breaks my heart. I feel this bitter sweet feelings when I’m writing these thoughts down, because this platform would be transformed if I would not cancelled it all.
These thoughts are just killing me inside. Maybe it was really stupid to make all these dreams in my head when I first read the message, because now I feel the guilt by crashing them.
Strange thing is, that I’m not scared or disappointed that I cancelled this collaboration and maybe no one would want to reach to me ever again, because of this decision, but I did what I had to do.
This blog is me. All about me, my life.