THOUGHTS | FEBRUARY | PART 2 |

I think is really hard to feel all the feels. Especially in one day. But this can happen. I’ve always thought that the day for all emotions is birthday, because I don’t know the real reason why, but on my birthday I feel happy, blessed, but also at the same day I can feel depressed, sad and lonely. Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t like my birthday so much. It’s just a day for everything, for joy and for sadness too. But this day I guess is ordinary. This is a day that I’ve been dreaming for a while I’m not lying. Sadly, the circumstances is not the same that I had in my dreams.

Yesterday, after 3 months I come back home. It do not feel like it was 3 months or something maybe because I was traveling a little and visiting my parents and stuff. I was hurt a lot when the last time I come home and I get the reaction from my relatives like ”why you come here?”. So, the place where I grow up did not exist to me for a few months. It just was not even pleasant for me to think about my home, because of how ”greeted” I was. So, now when I had 4 days free I decided to come home and this decision was made really spontaneously. After buying train tickets to come home I felt the guilt like why did I do that, why? And I had 4 days at home. This even was more scary than ever. Like, what can I do there for this amount of time?! I can’t go to the city and spent all my days there and stuff.

When I was living there I only have there 1 friend, one true friend. But when our paths ”divorced” the connection was kinda lost. I was busy with my own things, she was busy with her own life and stuff. We would sent each other a text or something but it was not something that would update our life situation or stuff. It was a memes, just for the laughs. And honestly, I was not thinking about her as my friend anymore and didn’t know if I would meet her if I would have themes to talked about and today after 3 months we met and hanged out like we always dreamed! I remember when we were young teenagers, we would wake up at 7am or even earlier and get ready and leave our houses after 8 and would go by the buses  to the city. Then after we would reach bus station we had to walk for about 30 minutes to get to the old town or biggest shopping center. Then we would spent there half of our Saturdays and would run to the bus station, because we needed to get home early and stuff. And we would always talk about how when we grow up we would go to the town by our own car and we would walk there in the evening, without a thought about the time and stuff. Just calm time in the city with your friend. And today is actually a second day when I’m home and I got a texts from my friend that I kinda deleted in my head and she asked me if I wanted to have brunch with her. Well, because I had some plans I had to tell no for brunch, but if she wanted we could meet up for dinner or something. And honestly I wasn’t that excited about this meeting. Just I don’t know. It felt really strange. Well, earlier today I had a trip to cemetery, then I visited my godmother and had the best time with her. And while I was with her my emotions hit me. I heard the news that my cousin, the one that was left alone with a child, the one that had a broken heart is now getting married this summer. Married with the women that tortured, betrayed him. I guess now I just only need to get my invitation for this summer wedding. If I would get one. And my godmother told me all the drama that is happening about this wedding and stuff and everything now, seems so wrong with it. Hope that this would change or at least the circumstances. The side of my family, where the wedding bells is ringing had some serious drama going on. And of course this news did not bring me good emotions. I felt so many negative feels, that had to be hidden. Well, after my chat with my lovely godmother, when I left her house and was driving home I realized how much I’ve changed. I was always the one that was really shy and when I was with my godmother I would only tell her one word in 3 hour period or something. I was just really shy, silent and I don’t know, ”closed” if this can be said. I just was not a part in my family. Like I was in the pictures, but other than that I was nothing. I did not have a voice there. I was just… lost & strange. And today, I driven there, talked to her for an hour or so, and felt so many emotions and stuff. It felt strangely right.

Well, when I got home I texted my friend, asking if she still wants to meet, because by the time it was 4 pm, kinda late comparing to the time we would usually go to the city. I even have to search for her number, because in my new phone I did not have it. I just thought that I would not need that, because our friendship is kinda over. Well, in my eyes it was our. She texted me right after and after 20 minutes she was waiting for me in my yard. When we meet it felt like we did not have any breaks for each other, felt like we was always by each others side. We talked non stop the whole evening. We had a walk around old town, then burger time come and we walked again with our hot caramel macchiatos around the city. And talked 24/7. It was around 7 pm and we were not stressed or anxious like we used to. We did not get a phone calls from our family with the sentence ”to come back home now”. And we came home when we wanted to. Felt like our dreams came true. The dream that we had in our heads for such a long time just become reality.

Seriously, even though some news did not bring the best emotions, this day was extraordinary. It was a ”comeback” day that I was always dreaming about. Dreams, especially the smallest ones, do come true in the most unexpected moments.

R.V.E.

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