What a month it has been and it’s not even over yet. I feel really really strange and maybe that is some kind of explanation why I have so many thoughts in my head. I can’t even handle how many thoughts are in my head. It’s crazy.
I have kinda free week, because I only need to go to university for two days by having more free time left. In my head, as always,I planned to do so much stuff, but in reality everything is just crashed and I don’t know the explanation why this is happening, what I’m feeling. I’m just lost. Lost in a weird way. I don’t feel anxious, depressed. I just feel empty. I’m trying to realize my surroundings, my family, plan my future or just to try to have a look into it. I thinking about my relatives a lot, because this is really interesting part of my life. Interesting, but sometimes really hurtful.
I’m the only child, that from 12 years old lived alone and had to stand from myself all the time. It wasn’t a bad experience or something, of course it was super hard sometimes, but it was worth it. I always get sick at November and January/February no matter how old I’m and with this fact I have a really bright memory that I always remember and this memory do not bring the best emotions, but it is a really good reminder for me. When I would get sick there was no one that would took me to the doctors or even take care of me, so when I get really sick and need to see the doctor I would woke up early in the morning and would go to the bus stop and with public transport would try to reach my local hospital. I remember after walking 10 minutes to reach bus stop and waiting for bus, sometimes even for 30 minutes, when you have a high temperature was not pleasant experience. When I would finally reach my bus stop I would hold into weird metal pole, because I felt like I could collapse and for some time I would not hear or see anything, I could only feel the overwhelming body heat. While I was in this frightening stage in my head I would pray that I would be strong enough to not collapse in the cold bus stop. And I never did. Trips like these was really rare, but they are so important to me. Now, years later, these hard trips shows me how strong I was, even when I was a young teen lost in this world. After taking bus to the hospital and seeing my doctor I would go to pharmacy to buy some medicine for myself also stopping by grocery shop for food. No one took care of me, when I was sick young human being. Why?! I lived with my grandparents, my grandfather had a car, but he didn’t took me to the hospital when I was so sick. And now I’m an adult, who has driving license and stuff, adult that left that place and now is living all alone and I’ve been thinking about over and over again and I’ve made a conclusion that if now I need to go to the doctors having conditions like these I just could not do it. I would probably stay home trying to heal myself in some way without stepping outside and having all these problems. I was such a strong young lady. How could I be like that? How could I not cry?
When I was the same young teenager I had in mind: friends over family. And last year I experienced how important is family. Family is everything, but maybe my everything is just a tiny amount of people? Maybe I need to choose my family members and others just ”delete” from my life? There is some people from my family that keeps in touch with me just to get benefit. And even thinking about this breaks my heart. Why there is some people in this world that is connected with me, connected with me in ”blood” way and why these people treat me just to get benefit? Why they do that? It just breaks my hear and this ”benefiting” is so visible to everyone and especially for me. With people like this I just want to cut all the connections and everything. I just want them to disappear. Disappear from my life. But this disappearing process has to be done by me and let me write this down – I have a long long way to go.