For a whole day I was trying to convince myself to write a blog post about something I enjoy, like and stuff, but at the moment I’m in this weird stage where I don’t enjoy anything so much. I’m just having thoughts 24/7. And I don’t like to post my thoughts constantly, but this is the path/ faze in my life and I have to be honest to myself and do what I want to do. Right now, I’m doing what I was stopping myself from doing – writing/posting a post about my thoughts. Once again.
My cousin, that we had a really strong connection is getting married this summer. He and his fiance are coming to Lithuania to make plans and send the invitations. Seriously, when they started dating and then had the baby I see these two getting married and couldn’t wait for this to happened. They seem to be a perfect couple, perfect match, but at the end of last year many dramatic things happened to my cousin. He was left by his fiance, she was making this drama involving our family and stuff. Everything just turned in really bad direction. My cousin was mentally and physically sick and everyone around him was so concerned and supportive. Seem like he was going crazy in a real way and that just broke my heart, but then at the new years eve his fiance posted pictures and some quotes on her Facebook that showed that she and my cousin is back together. After all these tears, many phone calls and sleepless nights he forgiven to her. I’m not living their lives and I don’t want to judge them, they do what they want to do, but it’s a little bit hurtful and ”non-sense” in my head, that they are getting married right after this drama when my cousin was so heartbroken. I just don’t want to see her with him in the church after everything she has done, but this is not in my hands. Maybe that will be better if they would wait for year to pass and then get married because all these ”events” would be a little bit forgotten and stuff. Maybe I would not even get invitation. Seriously, that will not be that shocking, because after they comeback together my cousin is a puppet that does everything that boss – his fiance requires. So, maybe his fiance would not like to see me in the church and I would not get invited, only they knows that.
Secondly, if I would get invited I don’t know how would I have to act in front of my moms brother that we haven’t seen for about 3 years. After my grandmother passed away my mom had a really interesting bond with her brother. They were not close as long as I can remember, but we used to celebrate birthdays together and stuff. Well, after some drama or I have to write gossips that they made it up we just don’t communicate anymore. My moms brother throws shade on his own sister aka my mom on everything over my family has, do, done…Everything is not good for him and his family. He is jealous and he just trying so hard to throw a shade on us in our whole family eyes. I haven’t seen him for a really long time and he is not ”throwing shade” in front of us, but he is doing it by gossiping behind our backs and stuff and of course someone is telling us everything that he has said. It is not pleasant, but when everything is happening for a really long time I got used to it and he and his family is not existing for me anymore. Well, he and his wife are my cousins godparents so if wedding would happen and I would be invited they would be invited too. Not so good experience would be to meet them or even see them. And right now I’m trying to figure it out, what would I do if the situation like this would happen? Because, he and his wife would act as always as really nice people, but all this niceness would be so painfully acted, that would look tragic and would position should I take? Not talk to them, be ”diva”, threw shade on them in sarcastic way or just act like I don’t know that they exist. I think in this situation the best decision is to act like they don’t exist, because throwing shade, sarcasm would make for all the guest to feel tension and that is not what you want to have in a wedding. Also, I could be nice to them, but after everything they done, every single word, opinion they said about me, every lie is just in my head.
And how pathetic to think, that if I would get invited that would be my first wedding ever. I have never seen wedding before in real life. I’m all grown up, university student that have not seen a wedding. How pathetic is that?
Also, woke up today with a biggest ”to do” list and done nothing. Felt super sick in the morning, have no energy. Surprised at myself how I even managed to go to the grocery store near by my apartment. All I have today – thoughts like all the other February day. I don’t think that I ever had month like this, were I constantly just have thoughts. It sometimes drives my crazy, because I found myself thinking what if.. if..