It makes me feel as a worst alive human being when I’m down and anxious. Like, I’m healthy, my family is okay so why I’m feeling these feelings? It’s the biggest stopper to be motivated and do stuff that you have to do.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just super emotional and stupid person, but it seems to me like 80% of the year I’m sad/lonely/anxious/depressed. There is so little of time where I’m happy and enjoying life, but other than that I feel like I’m just existing. I wish that I just could run away from my life. Sometimes I ”run” from it, when I cry, lie in my bed for hours and hours, than these hours becomes days. Days where I do not leave my apartment and just stare at the ceiling. It even makes me feel worse that I feel so down because I have so much of good in my life. Maybe, the problem is that I’m always trying to have a little glimpse at the future. And I’m a biggest dreamer ever. Month or so, when I was ”having a glimpse” in this time, spring, March, I saw myself at a different point in life and now I’m feeling so bad that in real life I don’t even reached these goals. None of them. It’s hard to let someone down, but when you let yourself down is unimaginable. People that says that we are our biggest judges are totally right. I know that a lot of things could be changed when you change your outlook at life, lifestyle, trying to be as positive as possible and stuff, but when your life is going to the way you did not wanted to and there is no coming back from this point, this is devastating. I feel so isolated from everyone…even from myself.
There is so much thoughts in my head that I can’t handle it sometimes. I have multiple thoughts as everyone, like I had many interesting thoughts back in the February, but back then I was not anxious or depressed, felt nothing really. But now, all my emotions is back with thunder. Feels like the world is against me, but this is just a stupid thought that I have in my head to defense myself to myself.
There is so many exciting things happening this spring, but I just can’t feel the enjoyment. I feel so depressed, lonely and unhappy about everything. Back to the times, when I was planning my spring, I saw myself at this time to have reached so many milestones, even the weirdest ones, but right now, in reality I reached none of what I planned, dreamed. And I don’t know how I have to act in front of another people because I’m just broken inside. Maybe, that the reason that I become ”sick” and skipped one day at University, just because I wanted to be alone, at my ”safe” place.
I don’t know how I have to put myself together and live. It’s so hard to overcome things like that. Heal yourself. And this healing process takes a lot of time.