THOUGHTS | MARCH | PART 2|

A lot of things changed in my head from the last post I’ve made. I was kinda depressed and anxious for whole last month and when the spring came it just ” hit ” me. Hit me that I haven’t done anything right and good for myself. None. Of course after this realization I was feeling only heartache. And the most dishonest and worst thing you can do at that time is to live your life ”normally” when inside of you everything is falling apart and you constantly have thoughts how much you failed and etc. But you know, as adults do you handle problems and all that stuff. And your life goes where it needs to go. Well, I was a little bit immature and dramatic and decided not to go to University on Thursday, even though I have a little test then, but I just couldn’t handle myself. Last Wednesday was one of the hardest days I had in my University ”life” and in this year. I’m trying to be emotionless in ¬†University, but that morning I was keeping my head down, holding tears and still acting like I’m fine.

Well, the thing happened that I was sitting all alone in the morning by the new chemistry class and I was a little bit shocked that no one else is there. I was waiting, checked my Wednesday lecture, looked multiple times at the written laboratory. Everything was right, but I was alone. Time was ticking and I was getting scared more and more with every minute. This chemistry class is really really important and even if you are going to be late you will get minus points. Rules there are super strict. In my university experience I never had so many strict rules ever. Before 5 minutes till class I concentrate my courage and texted to one of my course mates that had to go to the same class as me. He did not wrote me back, so I become super frustrated, and wrote to our course chat group. There was so many people online and no one wrote me back. I felt so lost in every possible way. Like, I was sitting all alone in faculty of Chemistry, not knowing where my class will be and stuff, and in my head I was thinking what have I done, that no one helps me and everyone, after seeing my question do not answer me. Few minutes before our laboratory everyone come like one big family. Everyone was staring at me with surprisingly looks like ”how you found this class if no one answered to you”. Well, right before our laboratory started on of people, that I have made some kind of connection, wrote me back. She was not even with me in this group. Like she woken up just to answer me, when other 18 people that go with me and saw my message – couldn’t. When I stepped inside the class I had this b*tch resting face because my face couldn’t make any other expression. The only other expression, in that moment, would be – crying. Or having a meltdwon like a toddler. On top of that, we had to work in groups. At that moment it was the worst option that could exist. Well, things turned even more worse direction. I had to work in group with our ex – head and she is really unfriendly, hostile. I really not enjoy her company after the last time she shouted at me, when we were having other laboratory work, last semester. So, she was probably the last person of all the class that I would like to work with. Even the guy who did not texted me back has better reputation in my eyes than she. But what you can do if you need to work like this. You can’t switch pairs or something, so only other option would be just to leave the class with no option to come back any time soon. On top of that, the new professor that taught us was super rude, strict and stuff. She shout at us every single time, sometimes for nothing, and the whole time we were doing our job, she did not help or teach us how to do it, she just walked around with her phone, scrolling threw facebook…Every single thing about this was not right. And then, my group mate spilled the one of our materials, than turned out that our distilled water was not a water, water bottle had holes, so water spilled everywhere, my ”partner” decided that her hands are shaking and she can not do anything and I have to do everything. Then the glove was holey and I could take flask properly and everything spilled out everywhere and lecturer had to leave her phone and run to me, to ”help” me, than I left to much water on the new material…After this ”fun” times we need to make our work ”defense”. My group mate, that did nothing, because her hand was ”shaking” decided that she wants to defense job together. When we did that, I got 9/10 and of course she had to tell me ” I helped you. If not this you would not get this mark”. Like how she helped me? How she even can say that?! I don’t know how her brain works, but her behavior and words always leave me speechless. After the laboratory work, we have a practice that meant that I had to spent even more time surrounded by these people. The same people that did this to me.

Maybe, I look like a drama queen, but this is not a first time that this happens to me. That they do this to me. I did nothing to them, I even try to help them, when I can and this is what I get. It kinda motivates me to study, that I can ruin their ”career”, because seems like ”everybody now is helping me”. Helping me by doing nothing and ignoring me, making fun of me…I tried to change their behavior, looks towards me by being nice, helpful and stuff, kill their badness with my kindness, but they showed me, that this is not good enough. Well, probably it’s time for ”cold war”. Maybe it’s time for my revenge in the way that they could not even imagined.

Seriously, I never imagined that in university, the place where adults should go, we have kids that plays like in kindergarten, but this is a whole new/upgraded level.

R.V.E.

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