February 13 was a national crying day for me. After this I was in a really strange stage of mind. I had really interesting thoughts and I was obsessed with reading. Now, looking back at this time, reading was my type of ”running ” from myself, life, tasks. Everything. I remember, that when I got the news that I failed my exam and I had to paid for this and than re-write it again I cried my eyes out. It was first exam that I ever failed and that killed me. I never see this day coming, like I was nerd at school til 3rd gymnasium grade and I was preparing for the exam and then…I was shocked and stressed out when I saw my mark. But not only that put me in a weird/crying mood. I think this was my first day ever when I cried my eyes out for 4 times. Couldn’t handle myself, my emotions. I felt terrible for not even being capable to control my emotions, myself. I din’t know what was going on inside of me. After this crying day, I was full on ”book” mode and I think I have read 3 books in the following two weeks. And of course, when you read so many books you have so many thoughts in your head, but when this period of multiple thoughts came I was not anxious or depressed that I usually am, I felt nothing. I think I was empty of emotions, feels that I cried out before or something. But after this ”calm” times, storm came.
I was in really bad mental stage in my life. Seemed like everything is falling around me and I am here alone, not capable to do anything or fix this. I am that person, that do not opens up to anyone. I keep everything for myself, it’s easy for me to write my thoughts and everything, but tell this to someone is not a good thing to do to me. But I was in a situation where my parents, this time my mom, who lives in other country, seemed/heard that I’m not doing great. I remember this conversation so clearly. I was back from university, had a really hard day and as usual I was talking to my mom. And then I don’t know how but I kinda opened a little bit to her. And that was enough for her to understand that I’m not great. She was a little bit terrified and I could feel that. If I would not have that conversation I don’t know for how long I would in that situation. She said to me, that I have to leave my apartment, see more, change environment, distract myself…I have a year membership to the gym, but I was not going there from last December. I was there a few times and that’s all, I was not that dedicated to it that I have to. The day after the ”conversation” I decided to miss university and have a day for myself. I went to the gym, made myself a healthier meal…That day I felt emotions that was not associated with anxiety, loneliness, depression..That day I felt ”pleasant” emotions. And I have to write it honestly, I was kinda sceptical and scared that day and was kinda waiting where my true emotions will come. But I did not feel that. In the evening, when I had so much done in the day, I was talking to my family and they were, you are so cool, that you had a workout this morning, great job…They words put a tiny crown on my head. And it was really weird, because mostly, my mental problems would be removed by myself, but this time, my family support pushed me.
I’m scheduling and making some kind of a routine for myself, because I really need one that I could do and stick with, because I’m really lazy and stuff…
Now, I’m going to the gym whenever I can, I leave my apartment when I can, I try to love myself and see a little lighter side of everything. Fingers crossed, this ”journey” will not end soon.