How sentimental have I become?! I don’t know, maybe life just turned out my mindset and lifestyle to this direction. So much have happened in this month. Good, bad – everything. I now realise how much every single month gives to me. Maybe every single day is a lesson, but when when you think that way is hard to see what have happened to you. When I was trying to imagine this month I saw, imagined this month totally different. It`s right when people say you are planning and someone above you is laughing at you and your plans. And that totally happened to me.
This month, March, is really important and memorable month for me. From my young days this month has meaning to me and with years this meaning has gotten bigger purpose to my growth as a person, young adult. This month has always symbolised me joy, family support, happiness. This is the month that my dad celebrates his birthday, shortly after that, my cousin celebrates his birthday and day after I celebrate my owns. When my parents left me, March was the month they would back, right before my birthday. I remember how I used to count the days till their comeback. Of course when I was younger, back to the teenager days, I was striving for material things, so it was important for me to get the ”amazing,expensive” gifts. Gifts was important for me. And then the last bit from this was family gathering. I used to be really shy as a kid, later-teenager, so family events was not my thing, but I enjoyed to see all these faces that I had missed. Now, when I remember for what I was waiting and how I cherished that time, makes me kinda angry, but on the other hand I can understand why I acted like that. The people who surrounded me was driven by material things and my young head thought that this is the only way to live. Just caring about material things. I used to be so obsessed about it that after getting what I wanted, 5 seconds after unpacking it I would post picture on instagram for everyone to see. It’s funny, because now I have deleted posts on that page and I’m kinda absent from all social media platforms and it just makes me so shameless, like how could I post that?! Maybe that’s a teenager ”thing” to do, but it makes me cringe a little bit, when I found a grown up women’s instagram where all her posts is just the expensive things and all that. I understand the fact, of showing off, but seeing women in her thirties and posting pictures like that constantly is just funny to me. But post, what you want is a free world and do what you like to.
Can’t believe that this month is over. Remember the start of this. That was a struggle. I was anxious and depressed a lot, just because I couldn’t except the fact that I didn’t reached the goals I was aiming for. It was hard for me to understand and just live with it. I felt bad in every possible way, but somehow I managed to change this mindset. I spent a lot of my time in library, studying like a crazy person. I was not loving myself the way I had to. And then, my grandmothers sister, my aunt, passed away. The aunt that I will always remember with smile, the one that I was not scared to be around. I didn’t thought that this day would happen so soon, just 4 years after my grandmother passed away. I did not spent a lot of time with her, but when I did it felt like I was with my grandmother in some kind a way. Me and my grandmother did not have a close relationship, maybe I was too young and too stupid, or maybe the connection between us was just not there, so being and spending time, even not that much, with my grandmothers sister was a strange thread between me and my grandmother. Things like that, shakes your mind a lot. It can put your priorities in a new way just after that. You can look at the world in a different way. And you can remember to cherish moments that you even hate, because everything in this world is temporary. Everything. Starting from all these material things that as a teenager I have dreamed and ending with life, all of this is just a matter of time and all of that does not belong to us. Things happen that we couldn’t imagined, but that’s how life goes.