THOUGHTS | APRIL | PART 1 |

Dreams do come true. They become reality in the times when we don’t even expect it to happen.

At the end of the last year and this year I had a few opportunities to experience that dreams, even the stupidest ones, can become true. Dreams that I was not even paying that much of attention. It seems, like dreaming is easiest thing in life, but it can really bring anxiety, because by dreaming or just having thoughts about something I can easily find myself building up this pressure for myself and just thinking about something that will not happen. It can bring my hopes too high and sometimes it can crash me down. By dreaming you can be the biggest optimist but at the same time the biggest pessimist. There is nothing in between.

I’m introvert so many things can be kept in my head. Things that even I can forget. When I was teenager and was surrounded by the materialistic people, I become obsessed with showing off. I wanted to have things just to show off, but not because I needed it or something like that. I cared about my portrait in society and I wanted this portrait to be as luxury and shiny as it can be. I’m not from the rich family, my parents left me when I was 12, because we needed money that badly, they work really hard, to give me a life I could dream for.

When I was younger and would post pictures of my presents, purchases and stuff like 5 minutes after I would get that. I was sick in some weird, social media or material thinking brought sickness. At that time, I did not cared that my parents do not have enough money to buy something for me, I did not realised or maybe did not wanted to see how much my parents have to work to achieve something or just to have money to buy tastier food. I remember, it was times when we used to sleep on some weird material that we had laid on the floor, because we don’t have any money to buy mattress, even the air mattress. So, we slept on the material that people used to put in their house floors or walls to keep warmness.  But moments like these I forgotten, because all I wanted to do in this life, was just to show off. Show off to other and have a gorgeous portrait in others eyes.

I was so stupid, that it makes me so angry even to think about it. About these times, that probably lasted for 4 years. 4 damn years full of me being vainest person ever. I don’t really know now, when did I reached my ”breaking point” and changed this look at the world. Maybe I just grown up, maybe I changed my outlook, maybe I just changed as a person. I still don’t really know.

I wanted to fit in other people frames, tried to live life that I couldn’t have. Tried to be something that was not me.

Now, I have forgotten so many things that I was dreaming about and some of them become reality. And, back in the days, when I would dream about it, that felt way better. In reality, now, when I have this way different outlook in life, I just felt these weird mix of emotions to have something that I was dreaming to have, when I was young. Feels like I have a new life now, with a few chapters of the previous one, where I used to be driven by material world.

R.V.E.

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