THOUGHTS | APRIL | PART 2 |

Why the loving yourself is such a hard process? Why the goals that leads you to better you can be so easily broken?

It has been a long journey for me to fell in love with myself, my body and who I am. And still I am somewhere in the middle. This makes me so upset and anxious to see that once again I left myself down. Down where I can hardly see process of getting up. When you let someone else down obviously you feel horrible, but when that person is you, it’s multiple times worse. The guilt that you are having in yourself, the dreams that are now crashed, it’s such an unpleasant experience to live threw, especially when it has repeated several or even many times.

I had once read, that if you have a direct aim it’s way more easier to live. Well, it seems like that. I have these two or even maybe this one goal, aim to reach, but seems like life consequences is not in my side. When you are adult you just can’t hold on your one dream, even thought that would be way more uncomplicated, but you have so much responsibility to carry on. Every single day you have some adult tasks, that is not sometimes so pleasant, to do and by doing these tasks, living your life simply you just can runaway from your main aim that you had. Seems like you are just small ship in the river that just floats you the way wind flows and you can hardly do something about it. Well, that’s how I feel every now and then. Like helpless small ship captain.

Maybe the main reason is me, maybe I’m too young to know how to control my life the smart way, so I’m sacrificing my aim, goals all due to that?

I’m university student so many people from ”my” environment thinks that only struggle that I need to have is related to studying or something, but my main struggle is way complicated than this.  I have a struggle that maybe many people has, but everyone around me does not see this as something I would love to change. And maybe, sometimes this is the thing that stops me from doing this.

For all my life I had struggles with food and love for myself. I think that with love for my self the ”food” struggle would be gone, but now, this is the harsh reality. The struggle that I now have for a really long time and the one that I wanted to changed for multiple times, but somehow something will turn to the way where my strength and everything will be gone. I don’t where all my struggles started from, maybe even from my childhood, but within the years it become such a big problem in my life. It just sometimes stop me from being me, and leads me to anxiety and depression. It leads me to feel something that I do not want to feel. It probably seems so easy to so many people to love yourself and have a right relationship for food. It even sometimes sounds easy to me. But in reality is something that now I’m having a weird battle for 6 years without a finish and I don’t know if this ”journey” even has a progress. Progress that everyone needs to see to have motivation for the future. Every now and then, when the ”right” time comes I prepare myself for the ”changes”, but after some time my all had power just become my weakness sign. Now, it’s even way more shameful to remember all my trying moments, everything just feels so ”wrong” and unpleasant. Or maybe this strange guilt in me is because there was times where I had honourably told someone or wrote somewhere that from now on I will work on this goal and everything would be different. These kind of mistakes makes me even more vulnerable now. I don’t know why, I can not be that stubborn to change myself and reach this milestone? I can reach so many of my goals, but this one is just too complicated in every aspect of my life. This is the thing that makes me feel week. Weakest person in the world.

Maybe the ”right” time has not came yet? Maybe I need to grow more as a person being and then this would be easy? Or maybe this is just other excuses to make myself feel better about this multiple failure? Either way, it’s so hard to find the needed strength now, to start do this again, to reach this goal,aim once again. I feel this weird pressure because of the past and fear for the future.

R.V.E.

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