Sometimes it’s just a really bad day. Mentally. Everything about you and around you is bad. Everything. Anxiety levels are super high, but your love for yourself is supper low or is not even existing. Everything makes you loose it. Loose your mind, compassion, work, mood = all. Everything is bad and there is no way to see better side. Everything looks and feels so wrong.
Well, today is that day. It’s even worse when everything around you is kinda going great. My family is healthy and safe, we are doing okay, nothing bad is happening, but something in me just clicked and everything turned. Turned into wrong direction. These kind of days is the worst, but this happens. Even trying to distant myself from my surroundings by doing something that would in some weird way relaxing is not easily that possible. And the fun thing about these bad days that you can feel the same next morning, but there is possibility that you would wake up next morning feeling happy. That’s a tricky part.
Today, when I just felt broken in every way I tried to make myself to feel something other than anxiety within my every breath. Well, I tried that in easy way, but it did not work the way I wanted to. Even my ”ways to feel better” was making me feel worse without any reasons.
I don’t know maybe I just feel these not so pleasing feelings because I have to go ”home”. This is so hard to think about this, but I just can’t run from it. My parents live away for 7 years now, and when I used to go to the school I lived on my own, near by my grandparents, we share the same yard and back then, my parents will come home more often and stuff. Everything was different and that time. Even the love my grandparents had for me was different. When you are a kid you don’t appreciate some things that you can cherish when you are adult. When I was little felt like my grandparents, especially grandmother had this unconditional love for me, love that was so special in a way, but then I did not cared that much about it and now, when I am adult, I live on my own, everything is gone. I’m isolated from them. It’s so hard to get my head around that my family, grandparents, that were so close to me can leave me and choose someone other, replace me, by cutting me off from their lives. Someone that was not a family member, but now is. Also, it’s so upsetting when I put so much energy to keep this bond with them, but they do not want to do this. Being kinda rejected by the family is so devastating, plus they are the only live grandparents that I have and the ones that I can actually communicate with.
I can’t even explain the feeling, when the weekend comes, students go home with a happy faces, they call their mothers and stuff, and there is me, crying in the evening and collecting energy for the day I will go home. After this visit I will go there only in June, when my parents will be there too, because being in your childhood house, where you have so many memories, but now, after my grandparents cut off from their lives, is just so hard. I have to go home early in the morning because no one will pick me up from the station, then I will need to take 2 buss rides to get ”home”. ”Home” where no one is waiting for you, no one will great you… But life is life and there is nothing I can do about it.