I never felt interested in the subjects that school had for us. Subjects that school was teaching us. Well, I liked literature, history and was a little bit into biology. When I was a young teenager I had ambition to be a doctor and study medicine. But now, when I think about it, this dream was just because of society. I always saw this respect for doctors and how proud is someone if their relative, friend or someone studies medicine ”It’s like woooow he studies medicine and he/she is amazing”. My parents never said ”no” when I was talking about becoming a doctor and stuff, they were even proud of these talks. I have one cousin that I don’t keep contact with, that graduated med school and all family members are praising her. And she looks at us as we are trash outside her door, but my family thinks that it is okay, because she graduated from this university, had this degree and stuff, and it’s okay that she shows us the ”class”. So, this is what example I had in my eyes of the people that studies medicine. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the fact that people studies medicine, it’s amazing.
But then there is me trapped in something that I could not even recognise. My surroundings pushes me in a way I would never push myself, they see me at the certain point that I would never reach. It’s really really complicated situation.
From my young days, before I knew that bullies exists I was really confident in the way I looked. I didn’t care about my weight as much, dressed up whenever I wanted, I would love to make interesting outfits and probably this ”dare to dress anything” is a stage that many youngsters live threw but mine was kinda extended one. Later on, I understood that I could never dress something like I would love to and go to school, but I let myself to do whatever I wanted at home. And then I changed school, my parents left me and my young teenager life changed. School years passed by and when I needed to choose what subjects I wanted to keep I was still not prepared at all. But I chose something that my surroundings offered.
So I had A course of chemistry, biology, literature and then B in history, arts…I was miserable at chemistry, it was just the most difficult subject for me to understand. The highest mark that I got in these two years was 8 out of 10 and the others was 5,3,4….I knew that chemistry is not for me at all, but still I pushed myself as far as I could, because I knew that I would need that subject in future. Society told me. Majority of the people that I have in my life saw me as doctor or some lab worker. And after some time I started to believe in them by forgetting my own interests.
And now, I’m the university student that is miserable at everything and hate every day of uni, lectures. But maybe it’s not to late to change everything? Two weeks ago I reapplied my official university stuff and now I’m waiting to see if I can change the program of my studies, because I can’t handle this anymore.
The further my life goes the less I can denied my wishes, passion, it’s really cliche thing to write but I feel like I’m loosing myself.
If we would live in perfect world where everyone can be whenever they want and financial things would not exist, I would be something way more different that I’m now. But life is life and circumstances can throw in the completely different way. x