SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED | THOUGHTS | JUNE |

It has been a strange time for me. It seems like everyone, after taking a break says/writes this ”that so much has happened” and now I have to be one of them for sure. I have to be like the majority of this world (like always). Well, I finished my practise camp, sold the car, found new friends, attended to the wedding, bought spa trip with my best friend, had a wine fiesta at my house…

At first, I was not planning to have this long break here, that extended to a month. Before practise camp, it seemed like I was in some weirdly peaceful place with myself: I started to write diary religiously, seen myself like the priority (for a tiny bit)… Felt like I had life in my hands. But all this ”process” was surrounded with anxiety, stress. Probably, writing my thoughts out here and in my old, paper version diary was the only thing that was keeping me ”together”.  This process – writing was the only thing that I could control and I was enjoying it as much as I could. In the practise camp you can not be yourself. You have to live in the regime someone gives you. Feels like you just can’t be yourself. You have to isolate your personality from everything and be like a robot without any emotionally installed brain parts (reading this seems like I lived like the people that was in a work camp in the darkest period of our history). And I knew that this would happen. It’s kinda hard now, to remember what I really went threw emotionally. Maybe that was a period of time that I need to forget that happened and just delete it, but on the other hand, I learned a lot about myself.

It’s a little bit hard to live, when you have to prepare yourself for one month of weird, mental torture. Sometimes, when I turned preparation mode on I became this stupidly, optimistically happy person about everything (and in general, I’m not that person at all) or I was super depressed about everything. Happy side – was my thing to trick my mind and see everything threw pink glasses and the anxiety version was the real version of me, the version that showed the sad reality. I had 2 preparations: mental and practical. I needed to plan all the household related things for a month, then all the supplies that I would need for hikes and laboratory works and then mental part. Preparation for everything really.  Right after exam session I had one week before practise camp full of hikes and laboratory works and on free days, that I got in the end, I came home to organise some more stuff, so there was not much time to have calm ‘’me’’ time. Also, it was a little bit frustrating that in the end of practice camp I had to attend to the wedding and I didn’t know if the professor would let me go home for a few days. Weeks before practise camp was full of stress, anxiety and depression.

In university I didn’t make any connections/ relationships with people except one girl, but our friendship was full of questions marks. I knew that I will need to live threw this month with people that I don’t like, so I was hoping that I would spent so many hours in laboratory that I could not speak with everyone and I would not be able to hear all these gossips or jokes about me.  There was a lot of going on in my mind, before one month of this practise camp.

Well, thats enough about miserable, anxious me before practise camp. Now I can write, that everything in practise camp went great, I never imagined that my life would change the way it did and I never dreamed about getting 3 new friends. Of course there was some drama involved that makes my heart ache a little bit, but in the end everything turned out great. My anxiety and everything that was going on with me, before this practise thing was really hard (and probably necessary), but life is life, I guess. I think I’m done with my break from ‘’myself’’ and now, all I want to do is to be back on track. My old track.

xxx

R.V.E.

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